So I decided to make a color-coded graph. And of the ones I have, some I have more strongly than others. There are different symptoms, and some I have, and some I don’t. “When I first suspected that I might have OCD, I Googled it. ‘What do you do again?’ ‘I sell blank inside cards - just a picture of a tree with nothing on the inside, no little limerick, nothing. The guy selling blank inside cards must laugh. “I went into a greeting card store today, and they have a whole section called blank inside. “‘The Whammy-Kablammy! And this is the Rootie Tootie Aimie-Shootie!’” 4 On Greeting Cards Soldier, let me ask you, what’s this explosive device?’ “‘Walkie-talkie! Look, I’m walkie, and I’m talkie! Now, you walkie and talkie, general! Are you walkie and talkie? It’s untethered, which enables the troops to speak effectively when they’re in the field.’ Usually military stuff has strong names, like ‘Apache helicopter’ and ‘Tomahawk missile.’ ‘Walkie-talkie’? How did that slip through the system? Was a general talking to some guy, ‘What do you have there, soldier?’ "The walkie-talkie was a military invention. “So I love to hit them back with, ‘Do you like ham sandwiches? You do? Well, would you like it if I put one outside for three weeks, in the broiling sun, on a picnic table, so it shriveled up to the point of unrecognizability, and put it on a plate and gave it to you? Would you like that? It’s just a ham sandwich!’” “‘Oh, I’ve loved them all along! I had no idea!’ “‘Well, raisins are just dried-up grapes!’ People love to go, ‘Brian, do you like grapes?’ “I’m intrigued when people try to talk me into liking raisins. If there’s ever a time when you want to go, ‘Can you park this? Because I need to collapse immediately.” 6 On Raisins I mean if that’s not the biggest oversight in our solar system. I’m only imploding!’ I pull up to the entrance to the emergency room. That’s a nice relaxing drive - ‘No, after you… Yeah, merge everybody. “I didn’t know what to do! It was at night, so I drove myself to the emergency room. ‘Alright kids! Up against a wall, it’s time for public humiliation!’”ħ On Driving Himself to the Emergency Room ‘Cause up until that day, I was an idiot, but nobody else knew. But where it all went wrong was the day they started the spelling bee. “I’d be a lot better off if I would have studied more when I was growing up. You just go ahead and move on down the line there.’” 14 On Spelling Bees “‘Well, it’s a cup… with dirt in it! I call it Cup of Dirt. Just put an F on there, and let me go home.’ I was hoping the teacher would know I’m an idiot and just walk right on past me. “I didn’t know what to do for my project, so I brought in a paper cup filled with dirt. Īnd so, to honor Regan for his devotion to his craft, we’re inducting 15 of his best jokes into the Comedy Hall of Fame. All he’s ever required is a microphone, a stage and an audience. He never needed a gimmick, never needed a sitcom to showcase his talents, never had any scandals or beefs with his contemporaries. Over the past 30 years, he’s become a household name solely from stand-up. Brian Regan is a true comedian’s comedian.
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